From "Angel"

Lorne/The Host: What's not to understand? You think you're the first guy who ever
rolled over, saw what was lyin' next to him, and went 'Gueeeyah!'? ("Epiphany")

From Babylon 5

Citizen G'Kar: G'Quon wrote, "There is a greater darkness than the one we fight. It is the darkness of the
soul that has lost its way. The war we fight is not against powers and principalities, it is against chaos and
despair. Greater than the death of flesh is the death of hope, the death of dreams. Against this peril we can
never surrender. The future is all around us, waiting, in moments of transition, to be born in moments of
revelation. No one knows the shape of that future or where it will take us. We know only that it is always
born in pain."

Lorien: It's easy to find something worth dying for. Do you have anything worth living for?

Mr. Morden: What do YOU want?
Ambassador Vir Cotto: I'd like to live just long enough to be there when they cut off your head and stick it
on a pike as a warning to the next ten generations that some favors come with too high a price. I want to
look up into your lifeless eyes and wave like this. (waves) Can you and your associates arrange that for me,
Mr. Morden?

Susan Ivanova: Always finding good in every situation, Captain?
Captain John Sheridan: Absolutely. If I didn't, I might end up like you.
Susan Ivanova: Hey, what's that supposed to mean? Did anybody else hear that?

Dr. Stephen Franklin: Marcus, this is the kind of conversation that can only end in a gunshot.

(Leading a Minbari fleet against a human fleet.)
Delenn: Only one human captain has ever survived battle with the Minbari fleet. He is behind me.
You are in front of me. If you value your lives, be somewhere else.

Lennier: They trained you well on Minbar.
Ranger Marcus Cole: They said I had a lot of repressed anger.
Lennier: And?
Ranger Marcus Cole: I'm not repressed anymore!

Marcus Cole: I used to think it was a terrible thing that life was so unfair. Then I thought, 'what if life
were fair, and all of the terrible things that happen to us came because we really deserved them?'
Now I take great comfort in the general unfairness and hostility of the universe.

Ambassador Londo Mollari: Ah, arrogance and stupidity all in the same package. How efficient of you!

Citizen G'Kar: No dictator, no invader can hold an imprisoned population by force of arms forever.
There is no greater power in the universe than the need for freedom. Against that power tyrants and
dictators cannot stand. The Centauri learned that lesson once. We will teach it to them again. Although
it take a thousand years, we will be free.

Ambassador Londo Mollari: Everyone around me dies, Mr. Morden, except those who most deserve it.

Dukhat: When others do a foolish thing, you should tell them it is a foolish thing. They can still
continue to do it, but at least the truth is where it needs to be.

Kosh Naranek: Understanding is a three-edged sword.

Kosh Naranek: A stroke of the brush does not guarantee art from the bristles.

Kosh Naranek: The avalanche has already started; it is too late for the pebbles to vote.

Susan Ivanova: Ivanova is always right. I will listen to Ivanova. I will not ignore Ivanova's
recommendations. Ivanova is God. And, if this ever happens again, Ivanova will personally
rip your lungs out!

Susan Ivanova: I am Susan Ivanova, Commander. Daughter of Andre and Sophie Ivanov. I am the right
hand of vengeance and the boot that is going to kick your sorry ass all the way back to Earth, sweetheart.
I am death incarnate, and the last living thing that you are ever going to see. God sent me.

Susan Ivanova: I think I loved Talia.

Captain John Sheridan: Something far worse than the Shadows: reporters.

Emperor Turhan: How will this end?
Kosh Naranek: In fire.

(Londo asks a visiting Technomage for a prophecy.)
Elric: As I look at you, Ambasador Mollari, I see a great hand reaching out of the stars. And I hear
sounds; the sounds of billions of people calling out your name.
Ambassador Londo Mollari: My followers?
Elric: Your victims.

Lord Refa: Why should I do as you say?
Ambassador Londo Mollari: Because I have asked you; because your sense of duty to our people should
override any personal ambition; and because I have poisoned your drink.

(An Earthgov agent is trying to seduce Sheridan, and he has to let her.)
Captain Susan Ivanova: Good luck, captain. I think you're about to go where... everyone has gone before.

Ambassador Vir Cotto: Prophecy is a guess that comes true. When it doesn't, it's a metaphor.

Lorien: The universe began with a word. But which came first: the word or the thought behind the
word? You can't create language without thought, and you can't conceive a thought without language,
so which created the other, and thus created the universe?

Sinclair: I'm still waiting for an explanation, gentlemen.
Ambassador Londo Mollari: Yes, and I'm prepared to give you one, Commander, as soon as the room
stops spinning.
Sinclair: This station creates gravity by rotation. It never stops spinning.
Ambassador Londo Mollari: Well, you begin to see my problem.

A guard: I don't watch TV. It's a cultural wasteland filled with inappropriate metaphors and an unrealistic
portrayal of life created by the liberal media elite.

Citizen G'Kar: Our thoughts form the universe. They are always important.

(Returning from the wedding of Sheriden & Delenn)
Ambassador Londo Mollari: Stop eating that! You don't even know what it is.
Citizen G'Kar: Something called... "rice."
Ambassador Londo Mollari: Yes. And if it was any good, do you think they would have been standing there,
throwing it at people?

Citizen G'Kar: I told you I could help. The book of G'Quan. Read it. We'll talk afterwards.
Michael Garibaldi: I don't read Narn.
Citizen G'Kar: Learn!

Emperor Cartagia: (to Londo Mollari) The trouble with being infallible is that you have to deal with everyone
else making mistakes.

Citizen G'Kar: If I take a lamp and shine it toward the wall, a bright spot will appear on the wall. The lamp
is our search for truth ... for understanding. Too often, we assume that the light on the wall is God, but the
light is not the goal of the search, it is the result of the search. The more intense the search, the brighter the
light on the wall. The brighter the light on the wall, the greater the sense of revelation upon seeing it. Similarly,
someone who does not search--who does not bring a lantern--sees nothing. What we perceive as God is the by-
product of our search for God. It may simply be an appreciation of the light ... pure and unblemished ... not
understanding that it comes from us. Sometimes we stand in front of the light and assume that we are the center
of the universe--God looks astonishingly like we do--or we turn to look at our shadow and assume that all is darkness.
If we allow ourselves to get in the way, we defeat the purpose, which is to use the light of our search to illuminate the
wall in all its beauty and in all its flaws; and in so doing, better understand the world around us.

Drazi Ambassador: Captain Sheridan! We thought you were dead!
Captain John Sheridan: I was. I'm better now.

Ranger Marcus Cole: [after beating someone for information] It's like I always say, you get more with a kind
word and a two-by-four than with just a two-by-four.

Susan Ivanova: Ambassador, do you really want to know what's going on down there?
Ambassador Londo Mollari: Yes, absolutely!
Susan Ivanova: Boom. Boom boom boom. Boom boom. Boom! Have a nice day!

Ambassador Vir Cotto: Ah! He has become one with his inner self!
Michael Garibaldi: He's passed out.
Ambassador Vir Cotto: That too.

Sinclair: They say God works in mysterious ways.
Michael Garibaldi: Maybe so, but He's a con-man compared to the Vorlon.

Kosh Naranek: Ah, you seek meaning?
Talia: Yes.
Kosh Naranek: Then listen to the music, not the song.

Dr. Stephen Franklin: I'm waiting. For an apology.
Sinclair: You better check the temperature in Hell first.

Citizen G'Kar: The universe is run by the complex interweaving of three elements. Energy, matter, and
enlightened self-interest.

Citizen G'Kar: We all believe in something .. greater than ourselves, even if it's just the blind forces of
chance.

Susan Ivanova: I know, I know. It's a Russian thing. When we're about to do something stupid, we like
to catalog the full extent of our stupidity for future reference.

Sinclair: Ready?
Delenn: Why is it that your people always ask someone if they are ready right before you are about to do
something massively unwise?
Sinclair: Tradition.

Ambassador Londo Mollari: Now, I go to spread happiness to the rest of the station. It's a terrible responsibility
but I have learned to live with it.

Ambassador Londo Mollari: Now, landing thrusters.. landing thrusters, hmm. Now if I were a landing thruster,
which one of these would I be?

Lennier: There's no alcohol in here, is there?
Ambassador Londo Mollari: Alcohol? No, of course not. Here, drink up.
Lennier: Because my people do not react well at all to alcohol. Even a small quantity causes psychotic impulses
and violent, homicidal rages.
[Londo stops him from drinking]
Ambassador Londo Mollari: Ahh ahh ahh.....my mistake. *Alcohol*....

Ambassador Londo Mollari: But this - this, this, this is like being nibbled to death by ... what are those Earth
creatures called? Feathers, long bill, webbed feet ... go 'quack' ...
Ambassador Vir Cotto: Cats.
Ambassador Londo Mollari: Cats. Being nibbled to death by cats.


From "Coupling"

Sally: Since thirty, I've had to put a daily limit on facial expressions. I only ever smile
at single men so I can justify the loss of elasticity.
("Flushed")

Sally: Mary Kelly thinks you're a complete idiot.
Patrick: Then why does she keep looking at my arse when we're talking?
Sally: She's lip-reading.
("Flushed")

Sally: Susan, you are offering this man food and sex in the same place. If there's
something to read in the loo he may never leave.
("Size Matters")

Jane: Friendship's more lasting than love, and more legal than stalking.
("Size Matters")

Jeff: My advice is to get them off right after your shoes and before your trousers...
that's the sock gap. Miss it and suddenly you're a naked man in socks. No self-respecting
woman will let a naked man in socks do the squelchy with her.
("Size Matters")

Patrick: I like films with lesbians in them because it's nice to think there are attractive
women out there who can't find a boyfriend.
("Inferno")

Jane: Vegetarianism for me is about saying 'yes' to things - even meat.
("Inferno")

Steve: When man invented fire, he didn't say, 'hey, let's cook', he said,
'great, now we can see naked bottoms in the dark.'
("Inferno")

Jeff: Do you know what would be the best way to wipe out all of human kind if you
were a space alien with a special kind of mind ray? Make all women telepathic.
Because if they suddenly found out about the kind of stuff that goes on in our heads
they would kill us all on the spot. Men are not people - we are disgustoids in human form.
("The Girl With Two Breasts")

Sally: A woman's breasts are a journey. Her feet are the destination.
("The Girl With Two Breasts")

Jeff: I need breasts with brains. I don't mean individual brains, obviously... I mean, not
a brain each. You know, I like intelligent women, but you've got to draw the line
somewhere... I think breast brains would be over-egging the woman pudding.
("The Girl With Two Breasts")

Jeff: Steve, sex with two whole women, think of the advantages... they can't
both fall asleep. If one of them suddenly leaves or punches you, you've still got one left.
If one of them plays that old sneaking out of the window trick, there's someone there to
untie you. It's total genius.
("Jane and the Truth Snake")

Jane: I really quite like being single. Except for the bit about not having a man.
("Gotcha")

Patrick: I'm thirty-three, single, with neat hair. Even I think I'm gay.
("Dressed")

Susan: Well, you know what it's like at the start, when they're all fiery-eyed, and eager,
and they haven't seen you naked yet. And it's like he's smashing at your door with his
mighty battering ram. And he's promising to ravish you forever. So you brace yourself
for man overload, and throw open the doors, and what do you find standing there? An
oversized toddler who wants his dinner. And before you can say 'there's been a terrible
mistake', he's snoring on your sofa, the fridge is full of empty bottles and the whole place
smells of feet.
("The End of the Line")

Jane: We just stood there looking at each other. There was so much electricity, you
could have executed ten fat murderers!
("Faithless")

Susan: It's always scary when you see that final corner approaching, isn't it? And you're
thinking: did I touch his thigh often enough? Did I stare at his mouth long enough? Did
I flick my hair too much?? Yeah, I used to over-flick. So easy to cross the line between
suggesting flirtatious and approachable, and suggesting there's something living in your
ear.
("Dressed")

Steve: We are men. We are different. We have only one word for soap. We do not own
candles. We have never seen anything of any value in a craft shop. We do not own
magazines full of photographs of celebrities with their clothes on.
("The Girl With One Heart")

Steve: It's not genetically possible for men to have opinions about fabric.
("Her Best Friend's Bottom")

Jeff: You know what's great about skirts? When a woman's wearing a skirt, you know,
you know, that somewhere in that room shifting all the time is the V.A.A. The Visual
Access Angle. A clear line of sight right to base camp. You just have to switch chairs
right, or maybe move your head a bit, or accidentally fall on the floor and there'll be
nothing but clear air between intimate sighting number one...Sorry I was just thinking
about skirts.
("Dressed")

Sally: You've never understood about bottoms, Jane. Having a bottom is like living
with the enemy. Not only do they spend their lives slowly inflating, they flirt with men
while we're looking the other way.
("Her Best Friend's Bottom")

Steve: Is this the sort of place that degrades women?
Patrick: We could ask.
("Split")

Sally: You've always got to send a man a book when you split up, to prove how you're
a caring, giving person, and how they're going to die in a pit of their own filth.
("Split")

Susan: Jane's breasts scare me. They're like Mickey Mouse's ears. Whichever way she
turns, they're still facing you.
("The Freckle, the Key, and the Couple Who Weren't")

Susan: Just out of interest, how did you pass your driving test?
Jane: Morally.
("Unconditional Sex")
 
Sally: Bottoms are our natural enemy... They follow us around our entire lives, right
behind us, and constantly growing. How do they do that? I'm sure mine's back there
secretly snacking.
("The Cupboard of Patrick's Love")

Sally: As Susan's best friend I am to you a bit like Australia: very distant, largely
uninhabitable and with areas of great danger.
("Her Best Friend's Bottom")

Sally: Always the same with men, isn't it? Looks like a starter handle, works like an
off-switch.
("Remember This")

Mark: Yeah, but I mean, does size really make a difference? You know what woman
always say?
Patrick: 'Ouch'?
("The Melty Man Cometh")

Jeff: Well yeah, there's that, but that's not what the boys are wanting is it. See they want
to think they're going somewhere when they go. I keep thinking about my brave lads
all excited on the launch pad and then suddenly it's... 'Oh no! Daylight!'
("The End of the Line")

From "ER"

Nurse Carol Hathaway : Why are you under the sheet?
Man: Because I've been dead for the past 2 days.
Carol: But you're still suffering from persistent headaches?
Man: Oh boy, am I ever.
Carol: And what brought on these headaches?
Man: Death.

Nurse Lydia Wright : Dr. Ross, we got a patient.
Dr Doug Ross : I'm not a grown-up doctor.
Lydia: Oh, we all know that.

Dr Mark Greene : There are no small patients, Carter.
Dr Dave Malucci : What about dwarves?

Dr John Truman Carter, III : Hey Maggie, got anything interesting?
Dr Maggie Doyle : Carol dropped a clock on Weaver's head.
Carter: Intentionally?

Mark: There a problem?
Lydia: Two o'clock....
Carol: Bars are closing...
Nurse Haleh Adams : They're getting in their cars...
Lydia: Going too fast...
Haleh: Swerving...
Carol: Crashing...
Haleh: Paramedics are rolling them out...
Lydia: Scooping them up...
Carol: And dropping them on our doorstep.

Carter: You bit me!
Nurse/Dr Abigail "Abby" Lockhart: You dropped me!
Carter: I can't believe you just did that!
Abby: I told you to put me down!
Carter: I think I might be bleeding!
Abby: Good!

Carol: What happened to those worms in radiology?
Dr Susan Lewis : (completely serious) They're doing a consult.
Carol: No, those earthworms. I put a bucket of earthworms in there and they're gone.

Doug: It's Halloween. Every freak in the city is out there.
Jerry Markovic : Not true, half of them are in here!

Dave: What've we got?... woah, she's dead.
Dr Luka Kovac : I know.
Dave: Like Blue dead.
Nurse Malik McGrath : Pulsox 65.
Dave: That's because she's dead.
Luka: Go outside and tell him that we are doing everything we can, but that his wife
is very sick.
Dave: She can't get any sicker.
Luka: Dr. Malucci!
Dave: Okay, okay!

Mark: I've given it a lot of thought, and I've decided to be spontaneous.

(Susan returns to the ER after being gone 5 years. She sees Carter under a desk looking
for a spider.)
Susan: Funny, that's not how I remember you.
(Carter, surprised, lifts up and bangs his head, swearing)
Susan: That is.

Dr Peter Benton: All they want to know if is you killed anybody.
Carter: What'd you tell them?
Benton: Just med students.

Lucy Knight : (Re: Romano) So, should I feel special or does he stare at everyone's breasts?
Dr Elizabeth Corday: No, only females... as far as I know.

Carol: All those times my mother tried to teach me Russian
Doug: All those times your mother yelled at me in Russian!
Carol: Yeah, well, you deserved it!

Dr Robert "Rocket" Romano: Gosh, I haven't seen you in... oh well, who really cares.

Dr David Morganstern: I don't mind telling you that sometimes I feel like a sheriff with no posse...
a general with no grunts in the field. A shepherd, high on a hill. No sheepdog. Everywhere
you look, sheep, sheep, sheep.

Susan: How's his pressure?
Abby: Zero over zero. He's dead.

Benton: Carter, do I look like your father?
Carter: No, actually. Not at all.

Dr Kerry Weaver : Carol!
Carol: Oh! You scared me.
Kerry: Yeah, I do that to a lot of people.

(Luka carries a little girl into a frenzied ER, and a loose oxygen tank shoots by them and
lodges itself in the wall.)
Luka: Have you ever been to the circus?
Michelle Kinney: No.
Luka: You have now.

Dave: Dr. Dave-14. Death-0.

Romano: If wishes were horses, we'd all be knee deep in crap.

Doug (on Mark Greene): Everybody knows how he overcame adversity as a child of Quakers. His years of exile,
his political writings and limericks. His mod period with the turtlenecks, his blue period,
and of course his ruthless march to power and the silencing of his rivals.

Deranged patient: Water cannot wash away prophecy!
Malik: Yeah, still, we're gonna start with a shower.

Dr Maggie Doyle: No meat, no men. I'm your woman.

Miranda "Randi" Fronczak : I don't believe in divorce.
Mark: I always suspected you were an old-fashioned girl.
Randi: Don't believe in marriage either.

Mark Greene: Hey, stinky. Want a few little stitches? Shut that yappy little mouth of
yours? ... This is not a dog. This is a small furry object suitable for punting.

Morgenstern: 'A man's reach should exceed his grasp, else what's a heaven for?'
Browning -- or is it Keats? Oh well, they're all a bunch of hopheads anyway.

Kerry: That is the filthiest thing I have ever heard - with the possible exception of this...
Dr Ellis West, MBA: Mmm... Kerry Weaver, you are a bad, bad girl.

E-Ray Bozeman: Dr.Ross, it's your father again...
Doug: Tell him I died - beautiful funeral, everybody cried.

Kerry: Damnit, Jerry! Stop watching that TV or I'm gonna run over there and rip it off
the wall with my bare hands and beat you to death with it!

Carol: You can smell snow coming -- It has a smell.
Doug: Smells like burritos.

Carol: I woke up this morning, I was a Transylvanian bat.

Romano: What'll it be, Mother Goose or Bambi?

Dave: Hey, Chief, am I a yuppie?
Kerry: No, but you will be when you grow up.

Dave: How come they get to go [to the shooting site]?
Carter: Because they don't get sick on the chopper.
Dave: Hey, I already told you, I had the flu.


From "Freakazoid!"

JOE: We interrupt this program to increase dramatic tension.

FIRST LAWN GNOME: We are wise and cunning.
SECOND LAWN GNOME: We stole man's fire and then tried to hide it in our pockets.
FIRST LAWN GNOME: That was painful and dumb. So we became even more cunning.

GUTIERREZ: Revenge is a dish best served with pinto beans and muffins!

JOE: This episode has been paid for in part by Anubis Markets, a division of Osiris
Foods. So shop at the sign of the jackal-headed man for food so good, you can eat it.

FREAKAZOID: Oh, that's right. Enemy aircraft are bad. Got it. File - stored.

JOE: Since this week's episode ended early, I'll recite a few of my favorite naughty
limericks. I'm sure you'll find them pleasing and saucy.

FREAKAZOID: Dumb! Dumb! Dumb! Never tell the villain how to trap you in a cage.
GUTIERREZ: You probably shouldn't have helped us build it, either.
FREAKAZOID: I know! Dumb!

DOUGLAS: You know, Duncan, you're the only one who ever sees this blue guy.
DEXTER: He's real!
DEBBIE: Well, of course he's real to you, Dear, but that's because you're probably
insane.


From "Just Shoot Me"

 Dennis Finch: Oh, I just remembered. You're boring. And my legs work.

 Nina Van Horn: Guess what I have.
 Dennis Finch: Why, are they baffled down at the clinic?

 Nina Van Horn: I like to think of my body as a temple.
 Dennis Finch: Which explains why there's a line to get in on Friday nights.

 Nina Van Horn: Denial is not just a river in England.

 Dennis Finch: If I get killed, tell Courtney in accounting I love her and erase all the
porn on my computer.

 Dennis Finch: You couldn't score in a monkey whorehouse with a bag of bananas.

 Elliott Di Mauro: No way. Last time I took you on a photo shoot with me, you walked
in on Kate Moss taking a shower.
 Dennis Finch: It was an innocent mistake. I was trying to walk in on Elle McPherson.


From NYPD Blue

 Det. Andy Sipowicz:  "What's wrong with this country"?! What's wrong with it is too
many people from other countries screw it up!
 Det. Bobby Simone:  Detective Sipowicz here is one of the few Native American Poles.

 Det. John Kelly: How's the drying out going?
 Det. Andy Sipowicz: Helps when the first week's unconscious. Now I go two, three
minutes where booze never crosses my mind.

 Det. Bobby Simone: You were pushing it, now you're under arrest. You're a collar, you
understand that?
 Richard Manzak: You guys are fags, right? You're fags from some women's group.
 Det. Andy Sipowicz: That don't make us bad people.

 Katie Sipowicz: I heard something in your voice, Andy, when you called me.
 Det. Andy Sipowicz: I guess what you heard didn't include the words coming out
of my mouth.
 Katie Sipowicz: I heard something and I checked my intuition, afterwards by prayer.
 Det. Andy Sipowicz: Katie, this has gotta stop. After God tells you what to do, if I'm
involved in the message, you check back with me.

 Det. Danny Sorenson: All right, into the cage for a while.
 Julio Diaz: For what?
 Det. Danny Sorenson: For breaking balls. You give me no cooperation, I'm gonna
run you for warrants in every jurisdiction in America.
 Julio Diaz: Man, go out and get shot in the street.
 Det. Danny Sorenson: Yeah, why don't you write that up for Reader's Digest? "My
Worst Day Ever So Far" by Julio.

Lt. Arthur Fancy: Here's some free advice: get enough self-respect so when some
fool starts talking to you like a nigger, you don't go half nuts and jam yourself up needing
to prove he isn't right.
 Officer Reggie Fancy: You got some funny ideas about self-respect.
 Lt. Arthur Fancy: My idea's when I hear an ass out in the field braying, I don't feel any
deep need to start braying back.

 A.D.A. Arnold Rosenthal: As it happens, the courts have upheld that a confession can
be obtained by ruse or trick, so long as an innocent man wouldn't be deceived.
 Det. Andy Sipowicz: There's a relief.
 A.D.A. Arnold Rosenthal: But that doesn't make me any more comfortable with what
you've done.
 Det. Andy Sipowicz: What's your name again?
 A.D.A. Arnold Rosenthal: Arnold Rosenthal.
 Det. Andy Sipowicz: Yeah, well, Arnold, why don't you leave me your card, and I'll be
in touch the second that your comfort becomes important to me.
 A.D.A. Arnold Rosenthal: I don't know what Sylvia sees in you.
 Det. Andy Sipowicz: Dickhead.

 Henry Coffield: I'm not a kid anymore, Simone. If you can't be kind about the people
you feel kindness towards, you're no damn good.
 Det. Bobby Simone: The way I look at that, Henry: if we're still drawing breath, we
have a chance to do something on our shortcomings besides piss and moan.

 Det. Andy Sipowicz: How many times you want to get hit?
 Ted: You know, the last time you hit me I jumped up and sat on my own testicle.

 Ted: [Indicating discomfort about the hidden mike taped to his crotch] This is uncomfortable.
 Det. Andy Sipowicz: The alternative location is up your ass.
 Ted: Alllll right. Let me learn to live with this.

 A.D.A. Valerie Haywood: I've got a big problem.
 Lt. Tony Rodriguez: Oh, that's third floor. We're small to medium problems down here.

 Det. Greg Medavoy: Don't you keep a daily log or something?
 Bus Dispatcher: Daily log. What do I look like, Captain Kirk?

 Agent Francis: [to Danny] You remind me of Donnie Osmond with your partner's
personality.
 Det. Danny Sorenson: Agent Francis, I'm proud to say I've got all of Donnie's albums,
including Mormon Hymns To Federal Agents Who Steal Their Weekly Paychecks.

 Det. Bobby Simone: How you been feeling, Vince?
 Det. Vince Gotelli: I told you. I have generalized coronary artery disease, abnormal in
the thallium stress test, and now I'm having difficult urinating.
 Det. Andy Sipowicz: Coronary system failing, urinary system failing. Now he's at the
stage, you ask him how he's feeling, he tells you.

 Dr. Wentzel: You think you're a psychiatrist?
 Det. Andy Sipowicz: No, I'm a Polack detective, knows you get away with murder,
you leave the crime scene and you go about your life.
It's you, you intelligent types, you always got to provide an alternate suspect.

 Ronald: Why are you so viciously callous?
 Det. Andy Sipowicz: It's how I deal with my continuous grief.

 Big Rick: [After confessing to a robbery-homicide] Money from the safe stashed in my
apartment, black leather bag under some skin magazines in the corner behind the bed. I
want to use that to pay for a lawyer.
 Det. Andy Sipowicz: Don't exactly work that way, Big Rick, but if they try at the trial
passing you off as the mastermind, you tell 'em what you just said.

 Dr. Talbot: He needs to be tranquillized.
 Det. Andy Sipowicz: You pull a tranquillizer gun on me and the safari stops at the
dentist! He's got the wrong elephant.

 Lt. Arthur Fancy: Keep me posted.
 Det. Andy Sipowicz: Any cases you don't want us to keep you posted on? What's the
point in saying that?
 Lt. Arthur Fancy: OK, then, get outta my office.

 Det. Andy Sipowicz: Romeo's a rage-a-holic, which means he's often pissed off, unlike
the vast majority of us gliding along devil-may-care.

 Det. Danny Sorenson: What's wrong with John babysitting?
 Det. Andy Sipowicz: He's gay, that's what's wrong with it.
 Det. Danny Sorenson: I mean, c'mon, Andy, how long you known him?
 Det. Andy Sipowicz: A long time, and he's been gay every day of it.

 Det. Andy Sipowicz: That was positive, wasn't it? "Our pleasure"?
 Det. John Kelly: Fair.
 Det. Andy Sipowicz: What should I have said? "Our pleasure, rooty-toot-toot"?

 Katie Sipowicz: He could use God's help now.
 Det. Andy Sipowicz: Short term he oughtta settle for getting his head out of his ass.

 Det. Andy Sipowicz: You got a lot of morons in your family? 'Cause that could be genetic.

 Skel: I was holding that deck for someone else.
 Det. Danny Sorenson: Does the guy you were holding it for call you "my friend the moron"?

 Det. Danny Sorenson: He's the fast-talker of the partnership, while you take care of the
silent, brooding chores?

 Lt. Arthur Fancy: I don't take that from anyone, that what-do-you-expect thumb stuff.

 Det. Danny Sorenson: Where's a good homicide when you need one?

 Det. Greg Medavoy: You pay a toll for ongoing uncertainty.

 Det. Andy Sipowicz: She make any derogatory references?
 Lt. Arthur Fancy: She said you were old and bald.
 Det. Andy Sipowicz: Old?
 Det. Danny Sorenson: Bald?

 Det. Bobby Simone: We got the weapon from your apartment there, Rick.
 Det. Andy Sipowicz: Always a right move tossing the piece, Rick, though at the time it
may seem wasteful.

 Det. Greg Medavoy: [To a witness who's smoking in the car while on a stakeout] Put
that out; it's affecting my sinuses.
 Witness: Gotta do something while I'm sitting here.
 Det. Greg Medavoy: Why you gotta do something? Why can't you just be?
 Witness: Be what?
 Det. Greg Medavoy: Just be what you are.
 Witness: I am being what I am. I'm a smoker.

 Lt. Arthur Fancy: The future keeps telling us what the past was about. You make the past mean
different things by the way you use the time that comes after.


From "The Adventures of Priscilla, Queen of the Desert"  

 Mitzi: There are two things I don't like about you, Felicia. Your face, so how about shutting
both of them?

 Mitzi: Oh, what fun! Baby bottles of booze!

 Bernadette: Gather 'round girls. I'll show you a trick. First, you drink the gin and replace it
with water and put it back on the fridge.
 Mitzi: Oh! Clever girl! And the scotch?
 Bernadette: Aha! That's where the complimentary tea bags come in handy.

 Bernadette: Just what this country needs: a cock in a frock on a rock.

 Bernadette: I've said it before, and I'll say it again: "No more fucking ABBA!"

 Felicia: So anyway, back to me.

 Felicia: Oh, for goodness sake get down off that crucifix, someone needs the wood.

 Felicia: The only life I saw for the past million miles were the hypnotized bunnies, and most
of them are now wedged in the tires.


From "The Tick"

"Say what you will about me! I comprehend very little of it anyway!"
      -The Tick

"Yeah, well, don't count your weasels before they pop, dink!"

"I don't know the meaning of the word surrender! I mean, I know it, I'm not dumb...
just not in this context." - when given the option to surrender by Thrackazog

"Slideshow,...boring. Losing,...consciousness." - losing consciousness during a briefing
about his mission

"Yes, evil comes in many forms, whether it be a man-eating cow or Joseph Stalin, but
you can't let the package hide the pudding! Evil is just plain bad! You don't cotton to it.
You gotta smack it in the nose with the rolled-up newspaper of goodness! Bad dog!
Bad dog!"

"Eating kittens is just plain..plain WRONG! And no one should do it ever!"

"You know, come to think of it, I'm not afraid of ants. I never was. It's just when they
all come running out of a lady's pants like that...yech...creepy. And isn't sanity really
just a one trick pony anyway? I mean if all you get is one trick, rational thinking, but
when you're good and crazy, oooh oooh oooh, the sky is the limit!"

"So once again, we find that the evil of the past seeps into the present like salad dressing
through cheap wax paper mixing memory and desire." SPOON!

"Guns don't hurt people, choke holds hurt people"
      -The Tick

"After a crisis of dimensional proportions, nothing beats frozen yogurt"
      -The Tick

"Sorry I haven't been around much lately. I'm easily distracted by shiny things." --- Tick's mind


 From "WKRP in Cincinnati"

"But the senator, while insisting he was not intoxicated, could not explain his nudity." (from teaser)

 Andy: Mr Carlson, let me ask you another thing - does your mother want this station
to make money?
 Mr Carlson: Boy! Does she! She gets this look in her eyes when she starts talking
about money, starts making this k-k-k-k noise down deep in her throat.

 Johnny "Dr Fever" Caravella: Got insomnia, you know... can't go to sleep before three... got to get up at
five to get in here to be on the air by six... (Lying down on the couch) This coffee keeps me sharp as a tack.

 Andy: Haven't I heard of you?
 Johnny: You're not a cop, are you?

 Johnny: I'll tell you this though, I never thought I'd end up at WKRP in Pittsb-- Cincinnati?
This is rock bottom.

Johnny: The Doctor is not feelin' too good today. The Doctor was a bad boy last night.
The Doctor overmedicated.

 Jennifer Marlowe: Morning, Johnny. Would you do something for me?
 Johnny: Oh, maybe. And I don't particularly care if I live through it.
 Jennifer: I'm serious, Johnny.
 Johnny: So am I.

 Mr Carlson: Who's she?
 Jennifer: Bailey Quarters.
 Mr Carlson: She work here?
 Jennifer: Yes.
 Mr Carlson: I like her.
 Jennifer: I know. You say that every time you meet her.

 Jennifer: Where is Mr Peevey?
 Dog: He got out of the car. That's actually the last we saw of him.
 Johnny: Was the car moving when he got out?
 Dog: Yyyyes, (cheerfully) I believe it was!!
 Mr Carlson: Why would he do a thing like that?
 Blood: We don't know! But that's our story and we're sticking to it.

 Blood: I got a degree in cello from the Royal Academy.
 Venus: Oh yeah?
 Blood: I don't play much anymore. You can't get thousands of screaming teenaged
girls to come to a cello recital now, can you? And we rather like teenaged girls!

 Blood: Punk rock is passé. We play hoodlum rock. It's several cuts below punk rock.
 Venus: What's the difference?
 Blood: Well, first of all, punk rock groups dress deplorably. And secondly, they don't
usually physically attack their audiences.
 Venus: And you dudes do.
 Nigel: Come to the show and find out.
 Dog: We don't like audiences.

 Les Nessman, three-time winner of the Buckeye News Hawk Award, and the
coveted Silver Sow Award : In the top story of the day, General Wallace Nasami,
head of the emerging nation of Nibia, denied his new government was a dictatorship
and promised free elections as soon as each citizen of the small country learned to play
a musical instrument.

 Dr Munro: My studies have established without a doubt that children are, by adult
standards, insane!
 Johnny: And that's bad?
 Dr Munro: Well, sure!
 Johnny: So what should we do about it?
 Dr Munro: Round the little guttersnipes up!

 Jennifer: Bailey, women who want to be broadcast producers do not cry in public.
 Bailey: Then I'll cry in my car on the way home.
 Jennifer, brightly: That's the way men do it!

 Johnny: Gripping music, huh?
 Mr Carlson: Yeah, that's good all right. What's the name of that orchestra?
 Johnny: Pink Floyd.
 Mr Carlson: Oooh, is that Pink Floyd? Do I hear dogs barking on that thing?
 Johnny: I do.

 Les: No parachutes yet. Can't be skydivers... I can't tell just yet what they are, but - Oh
my God, Johnny, they're turkeys!! Johnny, can you get this? Oh, they're plunging to the
earth right in front of our eyes! One just went through the windshield of a parked car! Oh,
the humanity! The turkeys are hitting the ground like sacks of wet cement! Not since the
Hindenberg tragedy has there been anything like this!

 Johnny: Les? Are you there? Les isn't there. (composing himself) Thanks for that
on-the-spot report, Les, and for those of you who just tuned in, the Pinedale Shopping
Mall has just been bombed with live turkeys. Film at eleven.

 Venus: Les! Are you okay?
 Les: I don't know. A man and his two children tried to kill me. After the turkeys hit
the pavement, the crowd kind of scattered, but some of them tried to attack me! I had
to jam myself into a phone booth! Then Mr Carlson had the helicopter land in the middle
of the parking lot. I guess he thought he could save the day by turning the rest of the
turkeys loose. It gets pretty strange after that.
 Andy: Les, c'mon now, tell us the rest.
 Les: I really don't know how to describe it. It was like the turkeys mounted a counterattack!
It was almost as if they were ...organized!!

 Mr Carlson: As God is my witness, I thought turkeys could fly.

 Johnny, sleepily: The time is 6:07 in the morning, and it's time for this message.
 Commercial: Wouldn't a delicious, ice-cold beer taste particularly good right now? Sure it would!
 Johnny: Sure it would.

 Johnny: "Weisenheidle." Look for the smiling face of the Arch-Duke Ferdinand on every bottle.

 Johnny (finding Les's toupee): Uh oh! Lester bought a little dog!
 Venus: You better have that thing shot before you wear it.

 Mr Carlson: Gentlemen, this is a disc jockey.
 Japanese man: Discuh jockey?
 Mr Carlson: Right. You got it.
 Johnny: Disc jockey.
 Japanese man, looking at Johnny's eye: Ooo. Discuh jockey.
 (All the Japanese men whip out sanitary masks and cover their mouths.)

 Jennifer: Well Les, don't you have an opening line?
 Les: Hi. I'm extremely wealthy.

 Les: Bailey, you're his friend. What do you really know about Venus?
 Bailey: You promise not to tell?
 Les: I swear.
 Bailey: Well, uh... you're gonna think this is a little crazy at first, but uh... I think he's black.

 Les: Andy, do you realize he comes in here late at night when none of us are around?
 Andy (conspiratorially): Yeeees, go on.
 Les: Why do you think he does that, Andy?
 Andy: I think it's because he's a night-time DJ, Les.

 Les: Now stay tuned for a whole slew of commercials, most of which would insult the
intelligence of the average six-year-old.

 Johnny: Buffy was - a little weird, and we just kinda went with that.

 Andy: Another one of those days, huh?
 Johnny: Do you see anybody over there in that corner?
 Andy: Nope.
 Johnny: Either do I. Just testing you.

 Johnny: Ever really get into your hand, man? I mean, all those lines, it's like a tiny
expressway! Your thumb is an off ramp!

 Johnny on his "60s flashbacks": Anything can trigger it off. This time I think it was seeing
Sammy Davis Junior weep on tv as he accepted the "Disco Lifestyle" award.

 Venus on Herb's suit: Somewhere there's a Volkswagen without seat covers.

 Venus: Andy, there's something I've been wanting to do for a while. Can I do it now?
 Andy: Yeah sure I guess. (Venus messes up Andy's hair!!) You feel better about that now?
 Venus: Oh yeah.
 Andy: You do that again, I'm gonna break your leg.

 Jennifer: Hello Mrs Carlson, how've you been?
 Momma Carlson: Perfect. And you?
 Jennifer: The same.

 Mr Carlson: Venus, have you got any idea how old my wife is?
 Venus (who hasn't heard the news yet): Beg your pardon?
 Mr Carlson: I'd sure like to have a girl, Venus.
 Venus: We all would, Mr Carlson.
 Mr Carlson: 'Course, you know, a boy'd be nice too.
 Venus, after a pause: Pardon me?
 Mr Carlson: Well, I mean, I'd prefer a girl, but I'd, you know, take a boy. I don't care.
How about you?
 Venus: Uhhhh, girl.
 Mr Carlson: Ah. You see, I'm just not that fussy.
 Venus: Apparently not.

 Les: Over my dead body.
 Andy: All right. (Begins rolling his sleeves up)
 Les: Wait a minute. What are you doing?
 Andy: Stand still now, and don't squirm.

 A commercial:
 Hostess: More coffee, Harold?
 Harold: Why, thanks!
 Harold's wife: That's funny, he never wants a second cup of my coffee.
 Harold: That's because your coffee stinks.

 Bailey: Just pretend you're talking to one person. A friend. Me.
 Johnny: Okay.
 Bailey: That's how you told me to do it. Now you do it.
 Johnny: Okay, I'll give it a try.
 Bailey: Just talk to me.
 Johnny: This is, uh, your Doctor speaking. Hello, and good afternoon Cincinnati. I sure
would like to take you home and kiss you all over in the dark.

 Darlene: Is one of you Doctor Johnny Fever?
 Venus: No, he's gone.
 Darlene: Venus Flytrap?
 Johnny: Killed in Korea.

 Darlene (showing off wallpaper): Doesn't that sort of take your breath away?
 Johnny: It sort of takes away my will to live.

 Andy: We've got a play list. You should play the list. We've gotta play some Top 40
hits, don't we? Why sure we do. Yet you have yet to play a single hit off the playlist all
week. Play the playlist. Play a part of the playlist! Play one song off the playlist! Play a
part of one of the songs off the playlist! Well, it's so nice to see we've established a
dialogue here. 'Ere you go, you want to talk about this, I'll be in my office playing with
a loaded revolver.

 Johnny: Okay babies, we've got time for just one Top 40 Hit, so let's check out the
Captain and Tenille. Uh oh! No more time. Maybe tomorrow!

 Johnny: Anyway Les, Laurie and I have built a nuclear device.
 Les (not listening): Uh huh.
 Johnny: And uh, we're going to have to murder all the newsmen in Cincinnati before we use it.
 Les: Well, you two have a good time.

 Commercial: Right down the drain.
 Les's tape: ... with Les Nessman!

 Johnny: Uh, I know you probably think that a personable, hip DJ like myself has a date
for the show tonight...
 Bailey: Yyyyyes?
 Johnny: Let's not beat around the bush, okay?
 Bailey: I'm sorry Johnny, I'm already going with someone.
 Johnny: Well, you could have beaten around the bush a little longer. Who's the guy?
 Bailey: Oh, he's a manic-depressive divinity student who has a serious drinking problem.
 Johnny: Sounds like Father Fun.

 Bailey: He's a very generous, heavily-sedated man who happens to like to help others.
Besides, you could have asked me last week.
 Johnny: Well, last week I was heavily sedated.

 Johnny: I don't know Les... what do women want?
 Les, after a pause: Tupperware.

 Andy (finding Mr Carlson wearing Jennifer's Aquamask): You wanted to see me, Kemo
Sabe?

 How Jennifer stays thin: Well, it's simple. I don't like fat, so it just leaves me alone.

 Mr Carlson: Well, I guess I'm ready then.
 Johnny: I don't think I am, Art. I don't know what this thing is you're wearing on your
head...
 Mr Carlson: It's a hat, John.
 Johnny: No, I'm talking about this disco-bondage-headgear thing.
 Mr Carlson: I forgot all about that sucker, it felt so darn good. All right, how's that?
(Taking the mask off)
 Johnny: Great, just great! Now it looks like I'm going to see The Who in the company
of a narc!

 Jennifer: The photographer is gay.
 Andy: Do you mean to tell me that when you and I were standing there in bathing suits
and he said "Va va voom" - he was talkin' 'bout me?? (Bailey comes up to him) Oh c'mon Bailey, no!
 Bailey: Oh c'mon gorgeous, you're not the first kewpie doll to get his corsage sat on.
 Andy: What the devil does that mean?
 Bailey: I don't know.

 Les: Wait just a minute here, wait a minute! This meeting is starting to lose some of its
bitterness! I don't think that's a healthy trend!

 Les: Herb, why do you suppose we're all here on this planet?
 (Herb whispers in his ear, and makes mysterious hand motions)
 Les (slowly walking away): That's disgusting!!
 Herb: I know.

 Les: My great aunt Eureka Nessman lived in a house very like this once, all alone. She
had a little parakeet and she used to let it fly free throughout the house.
 Jennifer: Really.
 Les: Then she bought another parakeet, and another, and more and more until finally
there were thousands of parakeets. And the mess they made was beyond belief. Aunt
Eureka had gone insane of course, living all alone in a house very much like this one.

 Johnny: You're a classy dame, Marlowe.
 Jennifer: So are you, Johnny.
 Johnny: Scuze me?

 Herb: Well, I lost it. Ken and I just about had it, and then this woman grabbed Ken, and
the piano rolled out of the driveway and down the street. I chased it - I chased it for about
two blocks, but you live on an incline, and the thing just kept getting faster and faster.
 Venus: You raced a piano?
 Herb: Yeah.
 Venus: Damn, Herb's all right.

 Johnny: Brownie?
 Venus: Thanks, who made these?
 Johnny: I did.
 Venus, putting it back: Maybe later.

 Johnny: That was Queen, with their big hit, one that I never particularly cared for but
am nevertheless forced to play here on WKRP.

 Johnny: Jennifer, do we have any aspirin?
 Jennifer: We're out.
 Johnny: Oh boy. How about morphine?

 Johnny: Say WKRP-ites, it's that lucky KRP "win a keen portable radio" time, with
yours truly insert name here. I tell you what, babies, I'm just gonna level with you. We've
got about fifty of these hundred-pound body-builder model portable radios. And you put
'em up on your shoulder, and you wander into a crowd of people who have no interest in
your musical taste, and they'll part like the Red Sea. We're really looking to unload 'em
quick. So anybody who recognizes at least three of the many obscene words in this next
tune, give me a call and you could stagger out of here with one of those in your hand, if
you can carry it.

 Andy: You aimed that at me! At me!! No DJ has ever pointed a gun at me before! Not
at any station I've ever worked! Oh sure, I mean, we've had some problems before, but...

 Andy: Half the time you can't even hear the lyrics.
 Mr Carlson: Well, these people, these CURB monitors, they figured out the lyrics.
 Johnny: They sure did! Boy, I can see 'em now, huddled there in the corner of the church,
playing every record slower and slower... then suddenly, "There's a naughty word!"

 Andy: These people did not come in here and say, "We don't like this music so we're
not gonna listen to your station anymore." What he said was, "We don't like this music.
We don't want other people to listen to it anymore." See the difference there? I call it
censorship.

 Andy: If all else fails, I mght even set Les Nessman on them.
 Mr Carlson: Boy, that could signal the end of organized religion as we know it.

 Les: I'll tell you what, Bailey, I'll make a deal with you. I'll join the union if you can tell
me where Jimmy Hoffa is.

 Jennifer: I already belong to a union. It's a quasi-religious group called the International
Sisterhood of Blond Receptionists. There are only twelve members in the world. We meet
once every two years in Switzerland. If I told you our minimum salary you'd have a heart
attack and die. Bye.

 Johnny to Andy: Well, well, well, I see that you're with Herb again.
 Andy: That's right. And I think it's time I tell everybody that Herb and I have been lovers
now for almost two years.

 Les: What is an executrix?
 Herb: I don't know. High heels and a whole lot of leather, something like that.

 Herb: Hey Jenny, I didn't get a chance to tell you how sorry I am that that Colonel guy
bought the farm. Hey, he had a long life, a lot of dough, he got to go out with you, caught
the big bus while he was eating in the best joint in town. Not bad, if you ask me!
 Jennifer: Sometimes I really like you, Herb. You really have a way with words.
 Herb: Hey. I'm in sales!

 Les (accusingly): I looked up 'executrix.' It has nothing to do with high heels or leather!

 Andy's philosophy on drugs: I don't like stickin' money up my nose so I can feel lousy later.

 Norris: Well hello! I'm Norris Breeze.
 Jennifer (in a high little-girl voice): Oh, Mr Breezy! We've been expecting you. Would
you like to sit down? We have all kinds of chairs. There's one over there, and there's another
over there, and one - no, that's a clock.

 Norris: Hi.
 Bailey (flashing the peace sign): High.
 Norris: You enjoy your work here?
 Bailey: Oh yeah, yeah.
 Norris: You, uh, ever do any drugs?
 Bailey (after a pause): When?
 Norris: Like, on the job?
 Bailey (looking around and making sure no one is listening, then, conspiratoriously): Sit
down, I want to tell you something.
 (Norris sits down and she just stares at him.)
 Norris: What?
 Bailey: What what?
 Norris: You were going to tell me something.
 Bailey (shaking her head): Oh, I don't think so.
 Norris: You control the paperwork at the station.
 Bailey: Oh yeah. If you have any paper, you just bring it to me. Mm hmm. I would also
love some M&M's.

 Les: Mr Breeze. Les Nessman. I understand you find my news reports unusual, humorous.
Thank you very much. It's a rock station so I enjoy kidding around. Unless it's hard news.
Then of course I go for it. Excuse me.
 (He leaves and Norris looks at Bailey in confusion)
 Bailey (singing): N-E-S-T-L-E-S, Nestles makes the very best! Chooooc-laaate!
 (She grins to herself, looking very self-satisfied. Norris exits the bull pen, to find Venus
holding a knife to Johnny's throat. He backs away in fright.)

 Momma to Andy: You are a very bad boy.

 Mr Carlson: Where do they go, anyway, Travis?
 Andy: What's that, sir?
 Mr Carlson: The donuts. When I eat those suckers, they go straight for my beltline. When
you eat them, apparently they turn into hair.

 Mr Carlson: All right ladies, let me tell you what I think we ought to do. Jennifer, would
you please call my lawyer? Bailey, would you mind bringing me the heads of Johnny
Fever and Venus Flytrap on a platter? Where's Travis?
 Jennifer: Downstairs, donut shop.
 Mr Carlson: Call down and tell him never to come in here again. And have Les beaten
up for no particular reason.
 Bailey: Oh, I'll handle that. What about Herb?
 Mr Carlson: Herb is mine. Thank you, ladies. Gee! Pleasure doing business with women.

 Andy: Herbert, I do not need a computerized service to help me find girls. I meet 'em
the old-fashioned way: I pick them up in bars.

From "Living Single"

Regine Hunter: Come on, everyone. Look happy. Khadijah, do your best.

Maxine "Max" Shaw, Attorney At Law : You'd think after God created dogs She'd know creating men was redundant.

Synclaire James-Jones : But did you ever stop to think what the world would be like with no men?
Khadijah James : A bunch of fat, happy women and no crime!

Max: A good man is like fine wine. They all start out like grapes. Our job is to stomp on them,
and then keep them in the dark until they mature into something we wouldn't mind having dinner
with.

Synclaire: I was gonna say something, but somebody mentioned a shepherd and I got all excited.

Synclaire: When my mom followed me on a date, she didn't come to the table. She had the class to stay
at the bar.

Synclaire: My grandmother used to fold these napkins into beautiful doves. It's a family secret. And I wish
she had taught it to me.

Max: I hate the saxophone. Sounds like a man begging.
Kyle Barker : Like you'd know.

Kyle: You know, your eyes were speaking to me from across the room.
Woman: And you didn't understand 'Go away'?
Overton "Obie" Jones : That's the best no I heard all night.

Synclaire: Too many people sue these days. I think our forefathers would be shocked if they saw
what had become of our legal system. And then they'd be shocked to see airplanes flying. Indoor
plumbing. Ooh! And television. That'd flip 'em, huh?

Regine: Khadijah, you need a lawyer. Somebody call Max.
Synclaire (out window): Max!
Regine: Must you scream out of the window like a no-class lowlife?
Max: Coming!

Regine: Max, the whole point of this sleepover was to give Camille some female influence.
Max: All right, okay. Camille, what do you think about boys?
Camille: Yuck!
Max: My work here is done. Good night!

Synclaire: I'm ready to have a baby right now. Except that I'm not married, I'm still in school, and I
only have a part-time job. Maybe I'll just buy a cactus.

Regine (to Camille): ...And that's the difference between extensions and a weave.

Synclaire: Look, my old bag of marbles. I lost these ages ago.

Khadijah: I don't know what happened. He looked the same. He smelled the same. Next thing I
know, he kissed me, and my clothes fell off!

Kyle: So this is what happens? You hens sit around and cluck about some poor brother's fate? Don't
you think this is the kind of thing that should be kept in private?
Khadijah: You're right. Get out.

Khadijah: Synclaire, Jonathan has a journalism degree; he's been here longer; and he doesn't spend
his lunch hours re-enacting the 'Rhythm Nation' video with thirty half-naked trolls.

Overton: It's symbolic of our friendship: true blue and tight like glue. And don't look down the
barrel. You can glue your eyes shut.

Khadijah: What are you doing?
Synclaire: I'm putting on my make-up. Why else do you think there's a mirror up there? To watch
yourself sleep?

Khadijah: The next time I say I don't wanna celebrate my birthday, I don't wanna celebrate my birthday.
Max: Khadijah, we're sorry.
Khadijah: No need. See, y'all got birthdays coming up, and Khadijah never forgets.

Synclaire: Love knows no time. People got together every day on The Love Boat. Except for Isaac,
who only fell in love when they could find a black woman.

Khadijah: Stace, what are you doing for Thanksgiving?
Stacey: I don't know. I was planning on renting a movie, eating some chocolate and making a
voodoo doll.
Max: Well, you can do that here. I'll bring my stickpins.

Khadijah: We're gonna stuff ourselves with turkey, then lie on the couch and moo.

Synclaire: I think a starfish on a tree is a beautiful idea. Starfish come from the water, and people are
mostly water. And starfish have five limbs, and people have five limbs if you count the head.
Khadijah: You finished?
Synclaire: I'm never sure.

Overton: Well Regine, I'm happy to report there are no mice in your closet. Although I did beat
the hell out of your mink earmuffs.

Synclaire: Well, I'm no William Shakespeare, and I'm certainly no Toni Morrison, and I'm not even
close to being Dr. Seuss. Oh, I forgot my point! Let me backtrack. Oh yes, Xavier. His writing
stinks. It's just so confusing! You know, after I read the first paragraph, I relaxed my eyes and just
looked at the patterns.

Synclaire (to Kyle and Overton): Come here. We are in the middle of a very juicy story. It seems that
Max, the older attorney, has been dating Brendan, the young freshman. She thought she could get
away with it until we spotted her at the cafe sharing more than just coffee.
Overton: Well, how deep did this relationship go?
Synclaire: Exactly! Let's rejoin them now, shall we? Break!

Overton: But on the other hand, good things come in sevens. You got the, uh, seven-year itch. The
seven deadly sins. The seven circles of hell. When you think about it, it don't look so good for you,
Max. ... Oh, wait. I got a good seven. The seven dwarves!

Regine: Ooh. Somebody had a little Meow Mix this morning.

Overton: Why was everybody so afraid of Darth Vader? Oh sure, he was big, but the man had asthma!

Kyle: See, but the problem is that your plan takes ten years. My plan pays off at roughly...10:45.
Overton: Yeah, and seven minutes later, your plan will be over.

Synclaire: Now when you begin to staple, be careful. Khadijah hates it when you interrupt the workday
to go to the hospital.

Regine: Look y'all, I'm not gonna let this man get to me. Shoot, I'm going home, take a nice hot
bath, chill out and just relax. Right. And then tomorrow, I'm gonna have the guy's gas, water and
electric turned off.

Synclaire: Do you think I'm weird because I like sleepytime tea in the morning and breakfast tea at night?
Regine: I think you're weird, but not because of the tea.

Synclaire: Regine, your mother is a hoot.
Regine: Yeah. She was a riot upstairs. Rifling through my underwear drawer. Good thing I hid my...
(Looks at Kyle, who grins mischievously and licks frosting off his finger.) Christmas list.

Synclaire: Max, if you really hated Kyle, you wouldn't have slept with him.
Khadijah: No, no. Max is versatile that way.

Max: All of this taunting and name-calling. Two people with no real agenda except winning, winning, winning. God, I miss the courtroom!

Khadijah: Only people who pay rent are allowed to draw blood in this apartment.
Max: I'll write you a check. (Shoves table and lunges for Regine.)

(Regine enters hallway.)
Kyle and Overton: Hey Regine.
(Regine glares at them and enters apartment.)
Overton: Don't you just hate it when the Food Mart runs out of Advil?

Overton: Good morning, my little crumpet.
Synclaire: Good morning, my handsome hash brown.
Khadijah: You two make breakfast really unattractive.

Max: Khadijah, what you need is a sharp eye to look those over.
Khadijah: The batteries in the Gameboy dead again?

Max: Hey Obie. What's that?
Overton: Cross peen sledge.
Max: And that?
Overton: Pipe wrench?
Max: And this is...?
Overton: A large, blunt object. (she scoots away from him)

Max: When I was in college, my boyfriend and I were in the same class, and it was a real drag.
Synclaire: What did you do?
Max: He gave me a failing grade on my midterm, so I dumped him.

Professor Fletcher: Well, art mavens, I finished grading your quizzes, and I'm pleased to report
that at least half of you understood what I've been talking about. As for the rest of you...it's only
night school. Who really cares?

Regine: This is the last time I dress up like Cleopatra and sniff strangers for you.

Synclaire: Don't you guys just love Halloween? Out of all the Pagan holidays, it's the most Christmasy.

Overton: With you out of the house, I can finally buff out the scuff marks made by a certain person trying
to moonwalk across my living room floor. That dance is dead, Kyle. Even Michael's moved on.

Synclaire: Obie and I have been looking forward to this for a long time. After we do it, what will we
have to look forward to?
Max: Doing it again.

Overton: Don't despair, Max. Hell, it's like Batman.
Regine: Here comes another philosophical gem.
Overton: Well, Batman doesn't sit around complaining about how diabolical the Joker is. Or how
distracting Catwoman is in a skin-tight patent leather unitard…No! No, he gets off his bat behind
and kicks some arch-villain boo-tay.
Max: I have hit rock bottom, because that made complete sense to me. Overton's right. I'm not going
out like that. I'm not going out without a fight.
Khadijah: Wow, Overton. Your bat speech really fired her up.
Overton: Well, we can learn from our little animated friends. Like when I was a kid, I used to like Fat
Albert. Then I thought, 'Well, hey, who's gonna get more women, a superhero with a sweet ride or a
200-pound seventh grader?'

Synclaire: And when you come back, I'm just gonna sing, sing, sing...
Regine: If you mention singing one more... (slowly, as medication takes effect) Who put the blue hat
on Larry's ta-ble?

Regine: 'Breast-shaped structures'? What am I, a muffin pan? I want cleave!
Dr. Sheridan: Trust me. As someone who has performed this procedure many, many times, you still
have an impressive set of hooters.

Terrence "Scooter" Williams: Khadijah should understand. It's not like I'm trying to leave her.
Overton: Yeah, well, you would be getting on a plane and going away for six months. If that's not leaving,
it's an incredible simulation.

Michael Janson: Maybe you should just reason with Khadijah. I mean, she's a rational woman. Max, on the
other hand...she's tough!
Darryl: Man, I don't know how you deal with her.
Michael: I meditate. For an hour before our date. And after. Sometimes during.

Scooter: Remember when we were kids, and we used to race to see if we could outrun the moon?
Khadijah: But whenever we looked back, there it was.
Scooter: That's how I feel about us. Wherever I'm at in the world, whenever I see the moon, I'll think of you.

Max: You know, I never really had a long-distance relationship, but I did hook up with a guy on a plane
once. We got in trouble when he broke the smoke detector with his foot.
Regine: What do your random exploits have to do with Khadijah's problem?
Max: Do you wanna stay on the subject, or do you wanna hear a good story?
Regine: So what happened next?
Max: We got dressed; he went back to the cockpit.

Synclaire: Obie, you didn't sleep again? Didn't you try counting cows?
Max: Cows?
Synclaire: Sure. They're slower than sheep. Easier to count.

Kyle: Hey! Hey hey hey! Man, I was working on my microphone technique with that remote!
Overton: Man, last time you sang into this thing, you ended up recording six hours of Korean home shopping.

Regine: I have always wanted to write a screenplay. A romantic comedy like 'The Bodyguard.'
Max: That wasn't a comedy.
Regine: Every time I saw Kevin Costner's haircut, I laughed.

Khadijah: Synclaire, you can't strike. We're family!
Synclaire: So were Cain and Abel!

Synclaire: What's with all the calls on hold?
Max: I keep them there till they forget what they want.
Synclaire: Okay. She's good on the phones.

Overton: I had this charm bracelet made up with all her favorite things. It got a little dog, a kitty cat, smiley face, little daisy.
Kyle: A skull and crossbones?
Overton: Hey. She got a dark side.

Synclaire: Okay, he kissed me! Are you satisfied?
Khadijah: What the devil?
Regine: Ah, suki suki now!

Synclaire: I told him I had a boyfriend and I asked him to leave.
Max: I would have done the same thing. I would have given him a sponge bath first, but that's just me.

Regine: Now, let's see. What to wear. I need something that says, 'I'm with him, but it's a favor.'

Synclaire: How was the Mardi Gras parade?
Regine: Honey, it was fabulous. This six-foot drag queen showed me how to use my Chanel scarf as a weapon.

Max: There's a whole lotta freaky sneaky going on.

Max: If you really want to boost sales, you should get a hold of those naked Brad Pitt photos.
Khadijah: Now you know we don't print that kind of stuff.
Max: Well, could you get 'em anyway?

Synclaire: Regine, don't be upset. My mother arranged for me to move in with Khadijah too.
Regine: Yeah, well, that's different. You need adult supervision.

Max: When you called and cancelled, I was upset. Like I'd been stood up by a real date.
Kyle: Well, uh, this kind of feels like a real date.
Max: Yeah. Truth be told, I've been developing a sort of sick curiosity about you.
Kyle: Well, uh, I must admit to a certain perverse fascination with your inner workings.

Max: Is this really gonna happen?
(Kyle looks her in the eye and takes her hand.)
Kyle: It's been happening.
(Pulls her to him and kisses her.)

Khadijah: You mean to tell me you've only been seeing Kyle three weeks, and already you're giving him drawers?
Max: Well, I need a little tabasco with my jalapeno, if you know what I mean.
...
Synclaire: Which way is the front?
Max: That depends on how freaky I'm feeling.

Overton: You know, Synclaire, sometimes I really love your wide-eyed innocence.
Synclaire: And sometimes you just wish I'd shut up?
Overton: That's right.

Synclaire: It's really a magical place, isn't it? The gurgling of the washers. The gentle purring of all those driers lined up like little soldiers. Sometimes staring into a drier just takes me away. Watching the clothing tumble round and round and round. For fun, I like to watch one little thing. Like a red sock. Sometimes it mingles with the other clothing; other times, it just goes off by itself. Who knows where it goes? Oh, oh! Fabric softener time! Excuse me.
Naked Man: This place is a magnet for psychopaths.

(Kyle enters. Max skips across room and hugs him.)
Max: Hello Kyle! My man!
Kyle: Oh, that's right. I'm with you now. Damn, I've got to remember that.
(Kisses her on the cheek.)

Max: Tell me something that a man wants to see more than a naked woman.
Regine: A naked woman with Super Bowl tickets.

Max: If this party doesn't make him happy, it will at least work his nerves. Either way, my job is done.

Max: I should have followed my heart and gotten him a stripper.
Overton: Don't be so hard on yourself, Max. If Twister crippled him, a stripper would've killed him.

Khadijah: I know why I'm looking forward to turning thirty: twenty-year-old men looking for Mrs. Robinson.

Woman: When I went to try these on, a spider crawled out of the back pocket.
Regine: Well, then you've met our quality control inspector.

Synclaire: Overton told me it would be a very mundane affair.
Khadijah: Nothing says mundane like a stripper and a few ping-pong balls.

Kyle: We came across some of the more plebeian partiers watching--how should I put this--a film geared toward mature sensibilities.
Synclaire: Oh, a skin flick! Standard, or girls with girls?

(Regine speaks French.)
Synclaire: I don't even know what she said, but I feel flattered.

Jean Luc: Regine, you are a brazen kiss-ass. I treasure that in a manager.

Overton: Synclaire, you might want to leave the room now as to avoid this pagan spectacle.
Synclaire: Obie, of course not. I'm gonna sit right here by your side. Plus, I want to see if this is one of the ones with a plot.

Synclaire: Oh, now this isn't the Herbie I remember.
Overton: Yeah, I don't remember a orgy scene.

Khadijah: Well, if I get a little intense, it's only because Flavor is our dream.
Synclaire: No, our dream was to be on Soul Train. But that never happened, Miss Refuse to Wear a Midriff!

Ivan Ennis : Might I add that this computer cannot provide you with love and support?
Khadijah: It also won't stalk me.

Max: Why'd you draw jumper cables next to my name?
Kyle: Wouldn't you like to know? Come, Simba, let's eat.

(Khadijah taps Synclaire's shoulder to wake her.)
Synclaire: Mommy, I don't wanna go to school!

Max: I can't breathe through my nose.
Synclaire: I know what you mean, Max. Khadijah, remember that time I got those two marbles stuck up my nostrils?
Khadijah: That's the last magic show we ever did!

Khadijah: She's allergic to the cat.
Regine: Well, here's a thought. Get away from the cat.
Max: I can't.
Regine: Why not? You're driving me crazy!
Max: Look at that. You answered your own question.

Khadijah: Max, tell me that's not Skittles in your cereal.
Max: Come on, Khadijah. That's disgusting. This is M&M's, alright?

Khadijah: Overton, they're cats. They hate all people. Only reason they don't kill us is 'cause they can't pack a gat.

Overton: Next time something I build falls apart, it could be on top of Regine...or somebody important.

Synclaire: One weekend a month, I shape the minds of impressionable youngsters.
Max: I guess that's not long enough to do any permanent damage.

Jacqueline Richards : Do I feel the refreshing breeze of a fan?
Kyle: Not so much a fan as a conoisseur of great performers.
Jacqueline: I've always liked you. What's your name?

(Kyle looks at photographs on wall.)
Kyle: There's Bette Davis, and Pearl Bailey. Frank Sinatra.
Jacqueline: Oh, the affairs this apartment has seen.
Kyle: Who's the young guy in the matador suit?
Jacqueline: Oh, the affairs this apartment has seen.

Overton: Max, what's the legal angle on this dispute between Roadrunner and the coyote?
Max: Well, he could charge the Roadrunner with battery. Trouble is, he's got no witnesses. He's a known buyer of explosives. The bird could always plead self-defense.

Max: Well, that little scamp. She certainly knows how to pull a practical joke. Oh well. See you tomorrow.
Synclaire: Uh, Max? You're scaring me. You seem a little too calm.
Max: Well, that's how you get sometimes when your soul is settled and you know what must be done.

Regine: Wait for me. I just got to go and get my jacket.
Khadijah: You're wearing it.
Regine: Oh no. This clashes with the seats at the Garden.
(Shrugs, as if this should have been obvious.)

Synclaire: Maxine, I am proud of you.
Max: Yeah, well, right is right. Of course, it didn't stop me from letting the air out of her tires and putting sugar in her gas tank. (Unfurls list.) Stealing her distributor cap. Cancelling her credit cards. Ordering two dozen pizzas to be delivered in the morning, and fixing her up with RuPaul.

Max: Where's Khadijah?
Regine: She's doing a 'Where Are They Now?' piece on Vanilla Ice. She's gotta wait 'til the end of his shift at Burger King.

Max: Why is everybody so hot to meet my mother?
Kyle: Because we all wanted to see what Rosemary looked like 27 years after having the baby.

Kyle: Uh Maxine, during your cleaning frenzy did you remember to hide the... (Whispers.)
Max (loudly): No, Kyle. Your mango-flavored body gel is still on the nightstand.
Regine: No, you couldn't have been raised by wildebeests. They have more class.

Regine(on phone): Hey Mom. No, I was just thinking about you. No, I'm not engaged. No, I'm not seeing anybody...Yeah, I'm a lesbian. That's it.

Overton(to Burt "Robin" Ward): Overton Wakefield Jones, batophile. I remember one show when Catwoman turned you into her love slave and made you fight Batman. I was traumatized... yet intrigued.

Synclaire: It was a commercial for Afro Sheen. They said I wasn't 'ethnic' enough, and then they gave the part to a white girl with a curly perm.
Khadijah: That's better than the time you lost that Playtex commercial to that man.

Regine: Max will drive you. She has the day off.
Synclaire: Max, that would be wonderful. Is there anything I can do for you?
Max: No. But Regine can bite me.

Overton: Maybe she got the part and her and Max went to celebrate.
Regine: And maybe Newt Gingrich will attend the next gay pride parade.

Regine: Thank you for taking the time to comfort my date.
Khadijah: Thank you for making it necessary.

(Regine storms off.)
Brent: Is she upset?
Khadijah: Usually.

Max: Overton, your thoughts.
Overton: Well, um, you're cheap. You're greedy. Shallow. And you have a really foul mouth for a lady. But these are all things I've grown to love.

Regine: I can't believe you're still eating that dead animal flesh. You really should consider
becoming a vegetarian.
Max: The chicken was a vegetarian. So every time I take a big bite out of this, I get all the
vegetables it had.

Overton: Oh Lord! Look at the next one: Cecil.
Kyle: It's pronounced 'Seh-sil.'
Overton: Oh, that's cool. So instead of calling him a sissy, the other hoodlums will just call him...
(snaps fingers) Sessy.

Regine: You are a virus with braids.
Max: And you're a leprechaun with a weave.

Max: We can keep a secret, Mr. Still-Plays-The-Soundtrack-From-'Fame.'

Synclaire: He even called me 'bippity-boppity.'
Max: That's amazing. Who knew there's a word that so perfectly describes you?

Overton: That's the problem with you white collar types. Your plush offices and your fancy E-mail
make you soft. Start jumping at your own shadow.
(Synclaire enters in clown suit.)
Synclaire: Hello there! Synclarabelle's here.
Overton: Clown!
(Runs out.)

Synclaire: Khadijah, when things are tough and I'm feeling blue, three words of wisdom: woo-woo-woo.
Khadijah: It's a sad day when Synclaire has the deepest thing to say.
(Synclaire puts on clown nose.)
Synclaire: I'm the deepest.

Khadijah: Everybody around here is acting like I'm losing it. Just because I surfed down the subway
steps on a bus ad and hid behind this blind congo player until the heat was off.

Regine: Is it me? Could I be high-maintenance? Oh my God. I've gotta go curl up in my Ralph Lauren
comforter and slip on my satin eye shades.

Overton: Damn. I wonder if they have a support group for weak brothers like that.
Khadijah: Yeah. Once a month they plan on getting together, then their women tell them they can't go.

Overton: She was standing behind me talking about she was 'enjoying the view.' And I wasn't wearing my picturesque Grand Canyon tool belt, so...
Synclaire: Okay. I bet a little slap-boxing will stop her sightseeing.

Zelda: I remember after that horse kicked me in the head. Things looked bleak…for a while. But then my dog started giving me some really good advice. Yes, he did! Yes, he did! Yes. Yes, he did!

Synclaire: The only reason Baretta is on the air today is because I sent hundreds of them to the network.
Kyle: Baretta has been cancelled for years.
Synclaire: Baretta's not cancelled! It's on hiatus.

Max: Regine, why don't you click your heels three times and go to hell?

Synclaire: All right. I'll admit I'm not up on lesbian etiquette. It's not like I've ever known any before.
Khadijah: Mmm-hmm. Aunt Gladys was gay.
Synclaire: Aunt Gladys was not gay. She just never found the right man. Like her roommate, Aunt Hazel.

Synclaire: Anybody who loves bunnies enough to punch out six cops is not a violent man.

Max: Jello shots. Gelatin and grain alcohol. That's how Grandma kept the kids quiet.

Max: Regine, Regine, what about my press conference?
(Regine sticks out left hand.)
Regine: Democracy in action. (Sticks out right hand.) Dirt. (Moves hands as if balancing a scale.
Swings arms as if they were wings on an airplane and spins toward right side.) Neeroom! (Pretends
to fly as she goes into kitchen.)

Max: Thank you, Kyle. You know, I guess it's true. Politics do make strange bedfellows.
Kyle: Maxine Shaw, you were a strange bedfellow long before politics.

Overton: Now Synclaire, ever since I could remember, I had a vision of the perfect woman.
The way she looked; the way she talked; the way she walked; and even her favorite kind of
hot cereal. Then I met you, and you were nothing like the vision. But fate just proved how
wrong a man could be. It brought me the perfect woman, and I wanna spend the rest of my
life saying, 'Thanks, fate.' Synclaire, will you, uh, will you marry me?

Russell Montego : Yaka-mouths like him make gentlemen like myself look bad. Might I say you're looking
wonderful tonight--piqued, pouty and protruding.

Synclaire: Maybe you do have good reason to feel low. But whenever I feel that way, I reach
into my bag for two little round pick-me-ups.
Regine: Synclaire, since when do we do drugs?
Synclaire: No, windchime earrings. Try them on. What do you think?
Regine: I feel dizzy.
Synclaire: Now you know just one of my secrets to staying happy.

Kyle: All right, Synclaire. That's brilliant sleuthing. Tell me something. Where are your sunglasses?
Synclaire (with sunglasses on head): You know, funny you should ask that. I have been looking
for them all day!

Regine: At the tender age of ten, I was coordinating the wedding of my Christy doll to black G.I. Joe.
And they are still together, despite that sordid incident with white Ken.

Regine: Surgeon, eleven o'clock.
Synclaire: How'd you know?
Regine: Name tag. I can spot the initials 'M.D.' from 45 paces, and a finger without a ring from half
a block.

Synclaire: If I had a nickel for every time I was embarrassed, I could buy a big house, a car, one of those
riding mowers, maybe with a little sidecar for Obie. But you know what I'm saying.
Khadijah: I'm proud to say I don't.

Synclaire: Oh, this is so exciting. It's like watching Newton and Galileo go off to invent gravity.

Synclaire: He was a tall, chocolate fellow from North Carolina. He was in town for a basketball
camp. His name was Michael. He could jump so high, he seemed to float on air. I wonder whatever
happened to him.

Khadijah: By the time I got inside, the little punk cashier's running out the back. I tried to get her to give
me a refund, but she all worked up because her hair's on fire.

Synclaire: Now if you'll excuse me, Shirleen and I are gonna go take a shower.
Overton: Is it just me, or does that thought turn anybody else on?

Mark: Khadijah. That's a charming name. It's ethnic, isn't it?
Khadijah: Yes. Both my parents are ethnic.

Regine: I want somebody whose face just lights up when I walk into the room.
Laverne: Sounds like you need a golden retriever.

Max: Please! Get off it. That man is like an angry rash that keeps coming back no matter how hard you
try to get rid of it.
Khadijah: But damn if it don't feel good to scratch it sometimes.

Regine: If anybody knows how to get rid of men...
Max: It's me. Beat you to it.

Regine: Great music, and absolutely no men hittin' on us.
Synclaire: And why aren't they hitting on us? I look good! (Sees two men bumping and grinding.) Oh! Oh, oh! Wait now!

Overton: There is one hitch. Max has got to stay.
Mr. Leon: Tell her to stop writing 'Go to hell' on her rent checks, and we got a deal.
Overton: Hey, I can fix the wiring, but I am not God.

Max: Damn, dingity, dangity, damn it!
Regine: I didn't know you could conjugate the word 'damn.'
Max: Shut up, Shorty by Nature.

Synclaire: Oh! There's confusion and for once I'm not involved.

Regine: What's your story, Maxine?
Max: None of your damn business, Inch-High Private Eye.

Khadijah: They're still in love. I'm sure they'll figure this all out.
Synclaire: Yeah, well, your parents didn't.
Khadijah: That's because my parents tended to fight over my father forgetting to come home.

Ava: Oh Maxine, I haven't seen you since you torched my ex's Harley and rolled it off the pier. Girl, you're so sweet.

Synclaire: I love brunch. It's like breakfast and lunch all rolled into one. Oh, oh! Breakfast and lunch tog...I just got that, girl!

Synclaire: Ooh. Last time I'll touch this banister as a single woman. Last time I'll touch this wall as a single woman. (to Max) Last time I'll see you stare at me with that confused look as a single woman.

Russell (to Regine): For years, I've dreamed of you in a dress like that. Only the top was lower and the bottom was higher. Actually, in my dream, it was just a belt.

Tripp: What do I do about Regine?
Overton: Well, you can't trap a badger by slapping a bunch of neck bones out in the middle of the yard. See, you got to hide them behind a rock--preferably one with some peat moss, but that's just me. Next thing you know, badger stew for everybody. Yeah!

Khadijah: Russell, I'm too tired to put up with you. But Regine and the cast of Fame are inside dancing.
Russell: Wait now, mon. The pendulous princess wiggling and jiggling?
(Runs to apartment door.)

Dexter: Before I lost the weight, the closest thing I ever got to a compliment was, 'Damn, man. You can really put away that fudge.'

Khadijah: Okay, Regine, I would never give anybody this advice ever. Lie, girl! Lie! You dig deep into that diva bag of tricks, pull out the biggest, baddest trick and go get that man!

Russell: You're an elegant woman, Regine. Come now. Shimmy for me one last time.
Synclaire(choked up): Go ahead, girl.
...
Regine: I may belong to another man, but my shimmy will always belong to you.

Max: I'm sorry I'm late. I got stuck in lock-up with this crazy brother who thinks he's the Son of God.
Synclaire: Oh. I met a man on the subway once who had a sock puppet he said was Gandhi. I didn't buy it, though. But he had a brown sock that sounded just like Luther Vandross.

Walter: What do you stand for? What do you care about? What drives you to get out of bed in the morning...besides breakfast?
Max: I don't know.
Walter: Finally, we're getting to some truth.

Walter: Miss Shaw, this isn't a joke. I really am the Son of God.
Max: Yeah, and I'm Joan of Arc. Where were you when they were burning me up? That fire was a bear!

Synclaire: I, for one, believe Jesus was a brother.
(Makes upraised fist.)
Regine: Well, now the Bible does describe him as having, what? Hair of wool and feet of clay. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. Wait a minute. I don't know why feet of clay would make me think he's a brother though.
Synclaire: Oh, oh, oh! Okay, okay. See, I worked this out. Clay, meaning like, dirt and dust. It means he was ashy. That's how you know he was a brother.

Khadijah: Max, where is your heart?
Max: My heart? Oh please. They make you get rid of that the minute you pass the bar.

Walter: A wise man once said, 'The truth shall set you free.' Hey, that was me.

Phil: Let's begin with Dorothy from 'The Wizard of Oz.' And give her some flavor.
Synclaire (with Puerto Rican accent): Hello. How's you doing? My name is Dorothea, and I come to see the almight Ooz. Oz. Whatever. Okay. I've been walking for three freaking miles in these shoes and my bunions is killing me, so I want to get to this quickly, okay? Rusty Man over there, he needs to get a coronary thing. The scarecrow over there, he needs to get his GED. And that punk lion? He needs a flea collar 'cause he's making me itchy. Know what I'm saying?

Phil: Phil has a plan. And if I do say so myself, it is diabolique.
Overton: 'Diabolique'? Boy got a little Joan Crawford in him.

Max: You know, it's just a thought. Just a thought. Maybe, you know, 'cause with all that...so much, maybe you'd consider being a wet nurse.
(Khadijah looks down and covers her chest protectively.)
Khadijah: No!

Marco: Tony, I could be a renegade nun.
Overton: Yeah, and you could also be an actor, but tragically, you're not.

Overton: Tell me. How many times you close your eyes and you see Max?
Kyle: I'm afraid to close my eyes, man. Dear God, why can't I exorcise this demon?!
Overton: That's because of a little thing we Joneses like to call destiny. And it never goes away. It rides your back till your knees buckle, you fall flat on your ass, you look up and you say, 'All right. Enough, God. I-I get it.'
Kyle: Overton, I have been flat on my ass since I met this woman. Tell me, when are her knees going to buckle, huh?

Overton: Hey bro, can I get you, like, a real drink?
Kyle: Rat poison is my drink of choice at the moment.

Max: Nobody in this brownstone can keep their trap shut. I don't know why I ever cross the street. I mean, you think in five years, I'd be able to make friends in my own building. But no! I keep coming over here for a few measly meals. (Knocks snowman's head off.) And now...I am playing host mother to your seed! Oh. Well, I'm tired of fighting! You win. Oh God! (Falls back onto knees.) I surrender! I give up. No más.
...
Kyle: Look Maxine, you know I'd be here, right? And you know I will do the right thing and take care of our baby and you. Maxine... (Helps her up.) Baby, don't you know that there has never been anyone that has affected me the way you do? I mean, you open your mouth and my skin crawls.
Max: Hey...
Kyle: But in a good way. (Max smiles.) And that smile. See, that smile has brightened many a London day for me. And now, we're about to have a baby together. And you already know how much I love you. ... You know, this is either the cruelest joke the cosmos has ever played, or proof positive that we are destined to be together.
Max: No, Kyle. We are doomed to be together. Now you shut up and kiss me.
(Kiss.)

Kyle: All right, Maxine. What do you say we go back to your place? I think my boy here needs his rest.
Max: Oh please. My girl is a night owl.
Kyle: Another you? God would never be so cruel.

Scooter: Girl, what are you doing?
Khadijah: I'm going to Rio with you!
Scooter: Just like that, no suitcase?
Khadijah: Well, if I'm gonna need clothes, maybe I shouldn't go.

Scooter: Girl, you're changing on me. And I like it!
Khadijah: Well, get used to it, 'cause I ain't never looking back. (Leave. Khadijah opens door and looks around apartment.) Well, maybe just a little bit.








Quotes from Foghorn Leghorn:

Quotes from Lily Tomlin: