TITLE:  Tired
AUTHOR: Ellen Hursh
RATING: PG-13
KEYWORDS: Luka; angst (but I repeat myself); state-of-mind vignette;
songfic
LAST EPISODE SEEN: "Rescue Me"
TIMELINE: February 14, 2001
ARCHIVE: If you must.
DISCLAIMER: ER and all its characters belong to Warner Bros.  No
infringement of their copyright is intended.  This story was written for
the enjoyment of "ER" fans everywhere, and may be downloaded for your
own pleasure.
SONG: "I'm So Tired". Written by John Lennon/Paul McCartney, performed
by The Beatles, available on the white album.
SUMMARY:  Just a very quiet Valentine's Day evening at "Chez Kovac"....
SPOILERS: Beats me... I hope not.
AUTHOR'S NOTE: Whaddya know, Miesque, I guess I had more than one of 'em
in me, after all.



I'm so tired.

Kerry's on tonight. I guess I don't really blame her for not trusting me
to be in charge, tonight of all nights, considering what happened this
time last year. Why hasn't she fired me yet? God knows I deserve it, for
being such a screw-up.

The vial's still unopened. It has been, ever since I borrowed it from
the drug lockup in September. I've had trouble sleeping lately, though,
so I may need to open it tonight.

Carol told me once about her attempted suicide, on the day, last year,
that I helped her pick out a used car (incompetently, as it turned out).
I'm sure she was simply trying to show me that she had some
understanding of what I've been through, and I appreciated the thought,
even as I winced at how close parts of her story cut to my own
experiences. I didn't realize, then, that I had paid such close
attention when she told me what she did.

I turned on the radio, to a station that plays "classic rock". Normally
it's my favorite - or it used to be. The song's one from their White
Album - I never before realized how much I like it, with John Lennon
singing to someone, a woman perhaps, sounding so lonely... like a man at
the end of his road.


                      I'm so tired, I haven't slept a wink
                      I'm so tired, my mind is on the blink
                      I wonder should I get up and fix myself a drink
                      No, no, no.

A drink. Or rather, *another* drink. *Yes*, that's a good idea, I think.
The manager thinks I'm still seeing Abby, and told me to "take it easy"
tonight and tomorrow, and he winked at me. *And* I have two days off
from the hospital. A man could get very spoiled, with the luxury of free
time. It has a white, child-resistant cap on it.

                      I'm so tired I don't know what to do
                      I'm so tired my mind is set on you
                      I wonder should I call you but I know what you'd do

Call Abby? No. We were a mistake from the beginning, and I should never
have allowed it to go on as long as I did - thank God she went back to
being a student when she did. Should I talk to *somebody* tonight?
Maybe, but who wants to talk to *me*? There is a shiny foil seal.

                      You'd say I'm putting you on
                      But it's no joke, it's doing me harm
                      You know I can't sleep, I can't stop my brain
                      You know it's three weeks, I'm going insane
                      You know I'd give you everything I've got
                      for a little peace of mind

Peace... how long has it been since I've been at peace? Too damned long.
But I *could* sleep, very peacefully, couldn't I? My sleep could be as
soft as the plug of cotton in my hands, couldn't it?

                      I'm so tired, I'm feeling so upset
                      Although I'm so tired I'll have another cigarette
                      And curse Sir Walter Raleigh
                      He was such a stupid git.

One, two... three, four, five... six... seven... eight, nine... nine...
well, I've lost count. I need another drink. I'm so very tired. Maybe
I'll just lie down, and have a little nap....